On My Father’s Birthday: A Letter To The Man Who Killed Him

TALES FROM THE MOTHERLAND

Dear Sir,

I don’t know your name, but you killed my father on June 9, 1973, in Stockton, California. My father was thirty-two years old then; I was ten. If he had lived, he would have been 74 on November 29th.

The year my dad ws killed

I am a 51-year-old woman now; my father has not been with me for most of my life, and yet I still feel his presence; I still miss him. When I was ten, and he was killed, I hated you. In fact, I hated you for many, many years. Somehow I got it in my head that you were a drunk driver and killed him while driving drunk. Perhaps someone told me that, or maybe it’s just what a child creates, to make sense of a senseless world. Admittedly, that story helped me for a while. It gave me a place to focus my…

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Lifestyle changes

For those of you following my life challenges: I have cleaned the house of as much junk food as possible. I don’t even allow it in the home. It’s been very rough. I feel like a drug addict looking to score their next hit, looking for sweets in the house. Also, we have been decluttering the processed foods. It takes motivation, and a ton of physical energy, which I rarely have enough of, to prepare and eat better. I don’t deny myself the treats, I just have them differently. For instance, this week my husband and I drove to Baskin Robbins for a treat. I had to make a conscious decision about allowing junk food in my body. It’s just a different way of thinking. We ate it before 8pm and I felt happy. Just remember, be your own kind of beautiful and be happy.

Here I go again…

Today I decided once again, I was going to try and take control of my life. Yes! I’ve attempted this before. Yes! I failed miserably several times. Yes! I can try again.
I rode my bike for a 1/4 mile and added a fitness app to my phone. One of my dear friends agreed to be the person I hold myself accountable to. I know I cannot do this by myself right now. I admit I am weak, unmotivated, clinically depressed (I think I’m fine, but doctors disagree), and I lack desire.
These are hard things to admit to anyone. To admit them out loud on a blog is even harder.
My only goal is to hopefully encourage someone else who is struggling with diabetes, that they too can accomplish good health with the right support system.
Here I go again…

So many questions, so little answers

Today I just feel so depressed. Although I take depression medication, there are days I just can’t manage to feel happy. I am a follower of God and I truly pray for happiness. However, sometimes it’s just a small light of reflection here or there. My spirits are lifted temporarily but not for the entire day.

So today I ran some errands. I was hoping the movement of my body in motion would trigger something, anything in my brain. I feel like a blob of mass just sitting around with no emotion.

I drank an all natural energy drink hoping it would help. Still, nothing, so I drank a 5 hour energy drink. Still, nothing. Did I have more energy? Some, but my emotions were still low.

I often wonder what the triggers are of my depression. I’ve been taking some narcotics for the accident I recently had. Now, I am slowly decreasing the meds since my physical therapy has helped me to be more mobile. As of now, I only take them at night. Could it be the pain? Could it be the fact I am temporarily unemployed with limited income? Could it be that I am a go getter and my family members are not? So many questions, so little answers.

Where have you been Lily?

Sorry it’s been awhile since I’ve been here. I had an accident recently that put me in the hospital and then in rehab for a month. Since this is a public forum I’m going to share my experiences to the best of my ability without publicly disclosing my whereabouts or too much personal information.

The accident caused the loss of use to both my feet temporarily. This was a huge tragedy for me. I had never broken any bone in my life nor had I ever been hospitalized or had a surgery until the year 2013.

I found myself with a new challenge on top of my already many challenges. I now had to learn how to walk again and how to manage my pain level. This felt like a part time job. Here I was in rehab, but I felt as if I was at work managing a schedule.

I needed to make sure to get my meds before I had physical therapy. In order to do this I had to make sure I used the call button for the nurse at least a half an hour in advance. Since the facility was under staffed, it was near impossible to receive medication on time or within a 15 minute window.

Pain levels are different for everyone. I’m not sure my surgeon understood this. I suppose he expected me to heal in the text book fashion. My injury should heal in “X” amount of days. Did he even consider that 1) I am by textbook: a morbid obese female (I’ll explain in a different post how I felt the first time I saw that on paper!) 2) a diabetic!

I couldn’t bear weight on the foot that had surgery and could barely tolerate weight on the foot that I severely sprained which left me with the inability to walk to the bathroom.

Do you know what it’s like not being able to urinate or have a bowel movement? Very frustrating indeed. My life was no longer my own. Everything I did it felt as if I had an audience.

After I had a complete meltdown at the facility, one of the therapists ordered a special commode for me. It had drop arms on both sides. This gave me the ability to slide from my bed to the commode. Glory, glory, Hallelujah! I could pee on my own! I felt like singing “a whole new world.”

I’m at home now. The pain medications leave me feeling tired and lethargic. One of the main reasons it has taken me so long to write.

I hope you’re enjoying my posts and I hope you can find some common ground with some of the things your feeling.

Lily the Diabetic

Hi there. I’m Lily. I’ve been thinking about writing a blog for a very long time now. I believe the number one reason for writing is mostly for myself. I am not trying to be selfish but I feel that if I write something down it helps me to express my feelings and helps me deal with the daily problems of being a diabetic. I have good days and I have bad days. My struggle involves depression, motivation, and the ability to remain consistent with my diet. I never used to be this person. I was always motivated and anything I put my mind to I was able to accomplish it. But now at times I just don’t feel good. My brain works perfectly fine and at times I find myself very ambitious. The problem is going from being ambitious to actually physically doing the activity I was ambitious about. I am hoping that I can find some people who feel the same way that I do and have the same struggles I have, so we can have a place to meet and come together as diabetics with struggles. I’m not going to be politically correct, I’m not going to check my grammar, I am not even going to check my typos. I want to be able to write without feeling judged or criticized because I forgot a quotation or I didn’t write something grammatically correct. I am who I am and that’s who I will be as I write. Welcome to my world.